New Year's Resolutions

To sum up all my new year's resolutions, and possibly all life goals, into one, I’m committing to being sexier this year.

Sexy. Chic. Mysterious. Alluring.

My first realization, being the girl who plays a dumb little card game on her phone is not any of those. Sorry Skip-bo. Deleted.

Ideally my goal is to get rid of the smartphone all together. What’s more mysterious than being Off The Grid? But until I can convince my boss multifactor authentication is not hot, I will just attempt to cut it out of my personal life as much as possible. Luckily, I became uninterested in tiktok the moment every other video became “run don’t walk,” and “sorry people who paid full price.” But it’s not a specific app I’m addicted to. I’ve spent real time organizing and reorganizing my alarm clock settings. What I’m addicted to is the immediate relief I get the moment my phone is in hand. The possibility of being Not Bored. I’m not even bored yet, just knowing that the moment I fall under my over stimulation threshold, I have a backup.

But being bored is sexy. All the rich people are doing it from my memory of the Great Gatsby. It’s all thin women in beautiful clothes draping themselves over a piece of furniture, watching the curtains sway in the wind and hitting men with their cars. I actually don’t remember who was driving the car. Maybe I’ll reread that book this year. Reading is very sexy. Eventually I’ll work my way up to long novels about philosophical theory like I did in college but I’ve started four books in the last two weeks and didn’t get past the first ten pages, so maybe I’ll start with a short classic.

Sex, of course, is also sexy. Possibly the sexiest thing one could do. And I’d like to have more of it in 2025. I started having truly amazing, mind blowing, sex in 2024 but there’s always room for practice and improvement. The thing is, it’s hard to go from being sucked into your phone or whatever rerun your watching on Netflix to feeling up to doing the horizontal mambo as hate to love calling it. Now, imagine you’re halfway through Kierkegaard, having reread the same passage five times and getting nowhere closer to the meaning, and then they offer you a wonderful reprieve? Much sexier.

All that being said, here is my incomplete list of what is in and what is out in 2025

Sexy

• flip phones- I will find a way to not be multi-authenticated and I will get carpel tunnel in my thumbs from texting like a teenager in the early 2000s like god intended

• being bored

• reading- my reading list this year: more Flannery O’Connor, metaphysics and quantum mechanics (ie reading The Rigor of Angels three more times), The House of my Mother, The Extinction of Experience, etc.

• sex- obviously

• philosophy- see reading and add being insufferable about them

• good food- cooking! good restaurants! eating with friends!

• maintaining friendships

• charity

• cleaning the house- no gym membership, only taking loads of laundry up and down two flights of stairs and vacuuming endless dog hair

  
  

Not Sexy

• Caring too much- like chill, it’ll be fine

• being a consumer, being sold- it’s embarrassing enough to have a carbon footprint and now you want me to pay for it? done.

• blaming yourself for being addicted to things that were made to be addicting- no blame, only not participating any longer

• consumable goods in the food genre (ultra-processed food)

  
  

So here’s to 2025, and the rest of my sexy, chic life.